JEZZA’S BATTLE Jeremy Clarkson’s secret health scare revealed as he admits he’s now lost a stone in weight
JEREMY CLARKSON had a secret health scare – checking out of a luxury wellness retreat to have a cyst removed from his back.
The Sun’s star columnist was so miserable during his stay at a spa resort, alongside girlfriend Lisa Hogan, that he elected to push his operation forward by a week.
Ahead of a new series of ITV juggernaut Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, the now fighting fit presenter has had the all-clear.
Jeremy, 63, said: “I had a 5cm cyst, which is now not a cyst any more.
“Lisa took me to a health farm and, well, it was so miserable there that I thought, ‘I’ve got to have this cyst taken out at some point, I may as well go now’.
“So I checked out of the whole place and checked into hospital, because it was more fun having an operation than eating juniper berries all day long.
“As I lay under the surgeon’s knife, I thought ‘this is preferable’.
“I did actually lose a stone though — mind you, half of that was probably the cyst. But it wasn’t cancer. It was never going to be cancerous though — I wasn’t in the mood.”
The popular presenter had the op in October, having the near-tennis ball-sized cyst removed under general anaesthetic.
According to Dr Google, cysts are sacs filled with air or fluid, and can form on any part of the body including bones, organs and soft tissues.
Most are benign, but spinal ones usually develop on patients aged over 50, often as a result of general wear and tear.
Kumbaya festival
During his “miserable” health farm stay last year, Jeremy was given nil by mouth — bar vegetable juice. Alas, coffee and alcohol were also banned.
Writing about the experience in his Sunday Times column, Jeremy — who says he goes for “annual health MoTs where they tell me I don’t have cancer and then off I go again” — detailed: “I was given a glass of something called wheatgrass.
“Now, I’ve eaten grasshoppers and tarantulas, and I once had a seven-day egg, which had a bit of beak and an eye in it. All of those things were pretty awful.
“But nothing — nothing — gets close to the gut-retching dreadfulness of wheatgrass
“The day wore on and soon I wanted a drink. And then I wanted lunch. So I repaired to the communal dining room — the worst three words in the English language — and was given a beaker of celebrity juice. Which wasn’t a drink. Or lunch.
“It was all lost on me. I’d rather spend a week with Greta Thunberg at a kumbaya festival.”
The star, who once suggested the secret to a healthy life was a long lunch, may not be renowned for his gazelle-like athleticism, but is now on something of a health kick.
When we speak — him in the Caribbean, me in my less sunny spare room-cum-makeshift-office — he’s midway through Dry January. A Dry February follows.
Does he feel better for it?
“No, I’m knackered all the time and the worst thing is I just cannot sleep. And then when I do nod off, I have ridiculous nightmares,” he huffs.
These include, he reveals, one in which he dined with former Newcastle football star Joey Barton.
“I thought, ‘I don’t even know who Joey Barton is. I don’t know what he looks like’. And yet somehow I was having dinner with him.”
Happily, Jeremy has recently started producing his own alcohol-free lager, Hawkstone Spa — his version of a wellness drink.
Which is useful given his gruelling 16-hour days on his Diddly Squat Farm in Oxfordshire.
Yep, unquestionably, Clarkson has been reinvented as Britain’s most famous farmer.
To keep fit, he also has two fox-red Labradors, Sansa and Arya, who won’t walk themselves.
Today though, we aren’t here to talk about his health, his farm work or his other erstwhile Big Name Job, on Top Gear. (Although more on these later.)
Lisa took me to a health farm and, well, it was so miserable at the health farm I thought, well, I’ve got to have this cyst taken out at some point, I may as well go now.
No. Today we are here to promote a new series of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, his ninth since taking over from former host Chris Tarrant in 2018.
Jeremy is a man who knows a lot about a lot.
There are very few subjects he can’t hold court on, and it is his encyclopaedic knowledge on everything from cars to cows that makes him the ultimate frontman for this coveted ITV gig.
A relatively new feature, Ask The Host sees contestants turn to Jeremy for help with a question. He’s usually pretty good, unless the topic is Greek mythology (“I’m hopeless at it”).
“It’s a bloody clever show. It’s so clever, and I genuinely love it,” he says with a smile, helpfully flickering in and out of patchy wifi on Zoom.
“We have a few gamblers on this series, which always makes things exciting.
"What makes this show so amazing is that the contestants are playing for such massive amounts of money.
"I mean, £8,000 is such an enormous amount. People get their knickers in a twist on Pointless for £700, you know, so £8,000, this is massive, massive money, and then you’re asking them to gamble it to get £16,000.
‘Is she dead?’
“It’s easy to forget just how big the increments are, and £1million prize money is just absolutely massive.”
For that huge sum, Jeremy reckons he’d be hard pressed to even recall his own name.
So how would Kaleb Cooper, his trusted farm hand and co-star on Clarkson’s Farm, fare?
Jeremy says: “If the questions were about cows, he’d go very far, but anything else he’d be completely useless.
“I mean, he’s not heard of Robert De Niro, so I don’t think you can go very far with that base level of general knowledge. But cows? Sheep and wheat? Yeah. Brilliant.”
On the subject of cows, I enquire after the wellbeing of another unexpected star of the smash Amazon Prime farm series, Pepper — a heifer with whom Jeremy developed a touching bond.
I soon wish I hadn’t.
“You’ll find out in the next series,” he says, ominously.
“Oh God, is she dead?”
“Well, you’ll find out in the next series.”
S***. Moving on.
Sandi Toksvig recently bemoaned the lack of female quiz hosts, and ITV and BBC’s current Saturday night schedules feature ten men and precisely zero women.
Jeremy seems as bemused as anyone as to why this is the case in 2024.
“That’s a very good question — I don’t know why there aren’t more,” he muses
Then, after a beat, adds: “They’re all too busy commentating on football matches, I suppose.”
Touché.
“No, I don’t have any idea why. There’s no earthly reason why there aren’t more — there should be.”
Much has been written about another male-heavy show, Top Gear, in the wake of co-host Freddie Flintoff’s horror smash in December 2022.
Now I’ve eaten grasshoppers and tarantulas, and I once had a seven-day egg, which had a bit of beak and an eye in it. All of those things were pretty awful. But nothing, nothing, gets close to the gut-retching dreadfulness of wheatgrass.
The 46-year-old former cricketer was left with facial injuries and broken ribs when the open-topped three-wheel Morgan Super 3 he was driving flipped during filming at Dunsfold Park Aerodrome in Surrey.
The BBC has now decided to “rest” the show — presumably in a last-ditch attempt to rectify ailing health-and-safety measures.
But Jeremy, who fronted Top Gear for 13 years before leaving in 2015 following a “fracas” with a producer, believes the programme will, one day, return to screens — just not with him behind the wheel.
Has he been in touch with Freddie? Jeremy replies: “I sent him a text wishing him a speedy recovery.
“I’ve never actually met him, I don’t think. He didn’t reply but at that stage I believe he wasn’t replying to anyone.”
Jeremy, of course, is a huge car fan. (Although, these days, tractors are his current vehicle du jour.)
In his time he has owned a veritable fleet of high-octane sports cars, and he is forever test-driving petrolly behemoths for his column.
So how many points does he have on his licence? (I write this as someone who has travelled, at not inconsiderable speed, with him in one vehicle).
“None!”, he exclaims, smugly. “I really don’t have any. I’m getting quite old now and tend to potter about more.
“People have actually started to overtake me on the roads, which is quite horrifying, really.
“The other day someone went past me — I think it was a hearse. I don’t really drive fast any more.
“But I felt ashamed of myself, thinking, ‘God, I’ve just got in someone’s way, forcing someone on to the wrong side of the road by driving slowly and being anti-social’.”
- The new series of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? starts on Sunday at 8pm on ITV1.
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